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Are you texting your partner too much? 6 Ways Texting Can Be Inappropriate in Your Relationship

August 7, 2013 By Dr. Susan O'Grady

With smartphones, our partner is just a text away. That’s not always a good thing. Sure, texting is a great way of communicating information quickly and efficiently, such as ”Don’t forget eggs,” or “I’m running late, see you in 10,” or “Call me, we need to talk.”

But just like answering machines and voicemail in their day, texting can be way to avoid conversation. Leave a quick message, and you won’t have to talk to the person on the other end. You don’t have to deal with the messy non-verbal cues that might lead you to feel cut off, criticized, or ignored. Texting is sometimes a way to check out of intimacy. And obsessive texting, just as in obsessively checking email or social media, can be a way to avoid the person you’re actually with.

When not used to avoid, texting can be a means of checking up on and controlling your partner. The Wall Street Journal article “I’m OK, You’re Needy” (Elizabeth Bernstein, July 15, 2013) looks at how neediness can show itself in the form of constant texting. (Ironically, younger people—those most likely to text—may not recognize the title of the article as a takeoff from I’m OK, You’re OK, a popular self-help psychology book by Thomas A. Harris, MD [1967].) When one partner feels worried about where their spouse is, who they are with, and what they are doing, they may text as a way to check up on them. When they don’t get a response, they will text again and again. This only serves to irritate their partner.

In my work as a couples counselor, I often see clients use texting not for better communication but as a replacement for conversation or a way to check up on partners. That’s not healthy.

Here are a few ways that texting can be inappropriate in your relationship.

1. Having a dialogue that goes back and forth in paragraph form.

2. Texting angrily to tell your partner off so you don’t have to engage in a face-to-face discussion.

3. Venting, swearing and cussing to avoid taking responsibility for holding up your end of a two-way talk.

4. Texting to avoid hearing something you don’t want to hear. You can always feel in the right if you avoid a real dialogue.

5. Texting to check up on your partner. Where are they and why haven’t they called or responded to your text?

6. Needing to feel constantly connected so you don’t have to feel alone.

Meaningful conversation takes openness and a desire to hear your partner’s views, thoughts, and feelings

The happiest relationships have a good balance of talking with each other about the day’s events or stresses—and time to be with each other and not having to talk. If you are texting your partner multiple times in a day, and repeating the same comments or questions, then take time to reflect on why you feel the need to keep the texts coming. Are you lonely, insecure, worried about what your partner is doing? Are they faithful? Do they love you? Are they having fun with someone else? Just taking a few moments to ask yourself these questions may serve to inhibit your reflex urge to send a text.

Then, notice how you feel. Are you feeling emotionally and physically stressed? If so, take some time to calm yourself. Make a note to yourself to ask your question or make your comment at the next opportunity to have a real conversation. Make time to talk on the phone—or (gasp) talk in person.

Originally published here.

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Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Dr. Susan O'Grady
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About Dr. Susan O'Grady

Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.

 

In our blog posts, we draw from our clients’ stories in order to illustrate some of the common themes that come up in couples counseling and psychotherapy. The examples given here are composites, and we have invented all the names and identifying information. Any resulting resemblance to people is entirely coincidental and unintentional. We are licensed clinical psychologists practicing in the San Francisco Bay Area. Our posts do not reflect professional advice. Interaction with us via the blog does not constitute a professional therapeutic relationship. for professional and individualized advice, you should seek the services of a counselor who can work with you in psychotherapy. We do not assume liability for damage or injury resulting from your decision to interact with our website.​

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Dr. Susan J. O’Grady is a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist

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Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Latest posts by Dr. Susan O'Grady (see all)
  • Psychotherapy in the Virtual Space: How teletherapy has changed the way we give and get care - April 26, 2021
  • (home video area – couples counseling) - November 23, 2011
  • (home video area – mindfulness) - November 23, 2011

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Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Latest posts by Dr. Susan O'Grady (see all)
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  • (home video area – couples counseling) - November 23, 2011
  • (home video area – mindfulness) - November 23, 2011

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Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Latest posts by Dr. Susan O'Grady (see all)
  • Psychotherapy in the Virtual Space: How teletherapy has changed the way we give and get care - April 26, 2021
  • (home video area – couples counseling) - November 23, 2011
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Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Dr. Susan O'Grady
Latest posts by Dr. Susan O'Grady (see all)
  • Psychotherapy in the Virtual Space: How teletherapy has changed the way we give and get care - April 26, 2021
  • (home video area – couples counseling) - November 23, 2011
  • (home video area – mindfulness) - November 23, 2011

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